| friends only |
[26 Jan 2007|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
Nothing too terribly important; this journal is now friends only. If you're reading this, that probably won't change anything as you're likely already on my f-list. ;) But if you want to be friends, leave a comment and I'll be more than happy to add you. I don't bite.
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[12 Jan 2007|12:48am] |
I want to move forward. I feel like I'm stuck right now, and I hate the way everything is becoming so monotonous. I want to go somewhere again, like this summer (Chicago, Detroit, Toronto...). I want to meet new people and be able to be completely different if I want to.
Not helping anything is the fact that I keep trying to plan out everything. I wish I could just say "I don't know" and be okay with it, but I can't. It drives me utterly insane not knowing where I'm going to go to college, whether or not I will be accepted, how I will do this time on the SAT, etc.
And I really, really, really wish I could stop second-guessing myself. I have all of these crazy dreams that seem just out of reach. Sometimes I think I could get there if I would only be convinced I could.
Apologies for my nonsensical rambling ;)
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| Christmas Break! |
[23 Dec 2006|01:43pm] |
As usual, sorry for the lack of updates =( I doubted anybody wanted to hear about me doing homework and taking exams, however. Those two words have been the story of my life for at least the past two months.
But I am finally on Christmas break. And its sooo nice to get more than 5 hours of sleep every night.
Anyway, I had a tennis lesson today. I think I did fairly okay. I wasn't hitting as hard as I would have liked, but I only double faulted twice, and I won 3 games (we only played 4). Haha, my coach was going way easy on me though.
I'm loving my new cell phone right now too =) <3
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[13 Oct 2006|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
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music |
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Nickelback- Rockstar |
] |
I feel like a zombie, to be blunt. Coffee is my new best friend and the last time I got seven consecutive hours of normal sleep was around four months ago. But oh well, that's life.
I'm getting pretty freaked out studying for the SAT. It seems like no matter how much I study, I feel like I'm not making progress. Which is stressing, because I'm going to take it in December. I know...I have several months...
This is actually my fall break. I wish I could do something exciting, different. I'm just so restless. Somebody backed into my car in the parking lot at the mall, so I don't have a vehicle at the moment either.
Off topic, but if anyone has any advice about college essays, it will be GREATLY appreciated...
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[02 Sep 2006|01:19pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
I've wanted to update, but I can't think of anything in particular to say. Everything I would like to describe is hard for me to explain. It either involves some situation with friends at school, or it involves the weird/contradicting thoughts in my head.
Junior year is hard so far, but I expected that. I hate it and love it all at once. I have no free time whatsoever between school, work, and tennis. I feel like a wind-up toy who just can't stop.
As for work, making money is nice, but working 12 hours on Saturday and getting home at 2:30 a.m. is most definitely not. I like my job (working at a catering company), and I love the people I work with, but the hours are long for a part-time job. And it usually takes up lots of my weekends. After working Saturdays, I am dead to the world Sunday. I think I have a slight caffeine addiction by now; I have to drink coffee to stay awake half the time. Just a week where I could actually get even seven hours' sleep every night would be a total miracle right now.
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| from Toronto... |
[28 Jul 2006|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
I feel like I've been away from home for a long time. Just last weekend I was in Chicago, I spent the week in Detroit, and now I'm in Toronto. I like getting to see all of these places, but I'm getting tired of the tiny hotel rooms. And my family argueing. There isn't much I wouldn't give right now for some time by myself. I nearly started crying today, and I had to stick a pillow on my face and pretend I was sleeping so nobody would say anything.
Some sleep would be nice too. Its so loud with all of us sharing a room, and my mind keeps dregging up things to keep me awake. So I end up having to drink coffee all day to have energy, which just perpetuates the cycle.
I just feel like I'm only in the way. And I don't know why, but I am unbelieveably stressed right now. You're probably wonder how in the world that's possible, as I'm on vacation, but its everything. School. Friends. Pretending you're happy for everyone elses' sake can wear away at you, you know?
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| Adios |
[09 Jul 2006|12:45pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
Au revoir, guys! I'm off to rotary leadership camp in about five minutes. I survived the huge ordeal that is packing. I think. I haven't gotten there and found that I've forgotten anything yet...that will be in about five hours. I'll be back in three days, or something like that.
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| I want my phone to ring |
[25 Jun 2006|07:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Voxtrot- "Whiskey" |
] |
I am really tired. I just did five miles on the treadmill. Not exactly a lot, but a lot for me. I had to burn off all of the desert I had earlier. I completely broke all of my rules today.
I am waiting for a rather important phone call too. A lady I met a few days ago said she would call me back about a job I really want. Its at a boutique. She said that I would get to model their clothes while working too, and the people there were really nice. I'll probably never be able to afford anything there, but it would be an awesome job. I'm crossing my fingers.
Something that strikes me as slightly amusing is that I'm more excited (waiting by the phone) for the call about this job than I ever have been for a call from a guy.
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| At the end of the day |
[19 Jun 2006|07:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
One of my friends said something to me today that made me think. She was talking about slowing down and keeping her life from becoming a blur of activities when she said that if she took away all of her activities and plans, who would she be at the end of the day? I had never given this much thought before.
If I take away everything that I'm cramming in right now, or using to distract myself, or directing toward some goal, who am I? Do I keep shoving these things in to try to make me somebody? Why does it bother me so much when I'm not working toward a goal? If I don't have something to focus on with single-minded attention, why do I feel so lost? And why do I find it so hard to simply be instead of do?
Just my thoughts.
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| New Layout..Finally |
[17 Jun 2006|10:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Silence |
] |
I finally fixed this layout...For some reason, every time I put up a new layout, something goes wrong or I mess up part of the code. This results in me spending at least six hours working on something that will a) not look like something I spent six hours on, and b.) not be worth all of the effort.
But I'm a perfectionist like that, and I can't, can't, <i>can't</i> just stop. I don't know why. It drives me insane.
Oh, by the way, if someone has a browser other than IE, please tell me if it looks right or not....
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[16 Jun 2006|07:19pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Holly Brook- "Heavy" |
] |
This morning I woke up and just decided I was gonna write. So here's another poem...
The Linguist
My fingers can touch
the indignance in your eyes
trace the cracks
that haven't been written
yet
on your cavernous shell
(a pretty spectacle for
apathy passing by)
Always defiant,
you'll never rebel
(let them break you
themselves, he implied
but would dare
not speak)
Framed and photographed
the respectable
(unquestioning)
high-minded
(obediant)
son
He dreams in a foreign language,
translated into your
exsquisite faultlessness
(casting me
as your
imperfection)
My fingers grasp for the piece of
anger
audacity
i n s u r g e n c y.
Give me anything that
refuses to be
linguistic
Today was my brother's birthday, so he, my mother and I all sort of spent the day together. We went to see the latest 'Fast and the Furious' movie, which I actually liked. It obviously wasn't one of those deep/dramatic/moving movies, but it was a good action film. And it was definitely nice to go see a movie that wasn't trying to get some kind of message or political cause across.
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| The queen of sugarcoating... |
[07 Jun 2006|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Snow Patrol- "Ask Me How I Am" |
] |
Sometimes I am really pathetic.
I'm taking a college summer course in precalculus, for review and for the college credit, and the guy next to me started talking to me. I figured he just was bored and wanted someone to complain about homework with. Wrong. So now he keeps hitting on me, touching my shoulders, and trying to ask me out.
I definitely need to tell him that I don't see him like that, I thought we were just friends, I'm not going on a date with him, etc.
But it keeps coming out like this everytime he asks me to go somewhere: "Well, er, I have to pick up my brother today/ My mom called and wants me to get groceries/ I have a tennis lesson". And I can't understand for anything why it is so hard for me to just say 'I don't think so,". I really hate conflict, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but still....
I am so terribly pathetic. =O And I have a precal test tomorrow. x___x
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| Metaphorically speaking... |
[26 May 2006|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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very restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Alannah Myles- Black Velvet |
] |
I feel like I'm sitting in the drivers' seat of a car, blindfolded. Its like I'm going crazy to just floor it and go as fast as I can, roll the windows down, and let my hair blow in the wind, but I can't see and I'm terrified I'll crash and hit something.
I want to just jump into something, anything, all the way and not look back. I want to give something my 100%, if only just for a little while. I don't know why I feel so restless, but I have come to the conclusion that it is nearly impossible for me to just relax; I have to be doing something. Its summer, but I don't want to waste my time...
I really want to just be somewhere else right now, somewhere new and different. Someplace not here.
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[20 May 2006|09:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the birds chirping outside my window |
] |
School is finally over, thank God. I'm pretty sure I flunked my algebra exam, but I'm about to take a short college course on precal algebra in another two weeks, so maybe I'll understand it then. I'm just...sick of everyone right now. I have this sudden urge to do something crazy/new/different and see brand new people. I really want to get out of this small town too... *sigh*
Reading a book is the closest I'm coming to any of that for the present unfortuneately.
To jump topics, here's a poem I wrote last night:
a fleet and fickle thing
with a chokehold on
m y a m b i t i o n
Darling
I'll sell my soul to see
sand secured in the sieve
or the light trapped
in your eyes
intoxicated by
r i g i d n e s s
drunk on standards
of perfection
pour down my throat
the ropes that
blister, bruise
tear my skin
till I'm the
crowning epitome
of your gaping void
paragonned to
hopeless idealism
(while juxtaposed
to idealized fault)
still found to be
l a c k i n g
I quit pushing
so I can
be swept under,
drown
in a different
direction
f r e e
from your good
intentions
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| Sigh |
[30 Apr 2006|07:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Incubus- "Admiration" |
] |
I got a job yesterday...which is good.
But now, I have to call one of my good friends and tell her I won't be able to come to her birthday, since I'll be working, in spite of the fact that I've told her for several weeks I could be there. I feel very crummy, needless to say.
But I can't really start asking for days off, especially since my manager is being very nice in even hiring me (we sort of know each other, but she pretty much said I was hired before even looking at my application).
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[12 Apr 2006|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Silence |
] |
Today has been a confusing day. Things different people have said have made me rethink several of my friendships. Being totally honest with myself, I feel like I'm drifting away from the person who has been my 'best friend' since I was 10. We've both changed, but the dynamic of our friendship has changed even more. We used to love spending time and talking together, and we didn't have to plan our time out to have fun. And then this year happened, and its almost as if we're friends out of custom instead of choice. Its like we were so close all of those years that we finally started taking each other for granted, and now we're more like sisters get on each others' nerves and want our distance. Since we grew up together, it would be hard to ever be strangers again, so I just feel awkward.
With everything that has happened this year, its like she has changed into a different person three different times. And with each time, I'm always wondering if things are the same or not. But for some reason, we've lost all of our communication skills.
Sometimes I wish people would just spare each other the trouble and just blurt out what they were thinking. :)
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| ACT |
[07 Apr 2006|11:15pm] |
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I'm nervous. Tomorrow morning I take the ACT for the first time. I've worked on some practice tests, but still....I'm one of those people who really doesn't like making mistakes. I know that since I have two more years, there should be no pressure, and that since I haven't taken all of the classes yet, I shouldn't expect much. Still...
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| Thoughts for Sunday |
[02 Apr 2006|12:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Weezer- "Buddy Holly" |
] |
I feel rather down today, and I don't know why. Sundays seem to do that to me a lot. The weather isn't helping; its the kind of cloudy that comes before a storm. I need to be studying for the ACT, but I haven't been able to force myself to start yet. I still haven't found my photoshop disc, but when I do, I'm going to try and make a new layout. This one's getting a little old ;)
But since no one should have to listen to me whine through this whole entry, here's a poem I wrote a few days ago.
sans sang-froid
Somewhere a clock starts ticking
I'll be the porcelain doll
(your bad day prize)
and you can be king
if you'll promise to keep me
tongue-tied
t w i s t e d u p
(unable to speak
for fear of contradicting myself)
You grin,
I shiver.
As I kiss eloquence goodbye
The momentum shifts
Our deuce to your advantage
(while I pray you don't exist)
target practice begins;
you aim for Achilles' heel
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[26 Mar 2006|08:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
I am officially the Queen of Losing Expensive Objects. I reformatted my computer not too long ago, and haven't had a chance to load any of my graphics software on yet, and finally today I get time. Now, I've found that I've lost both Photoshop and Paint Shop Pro. If any of you are psychic and would tell me where they are, I will love you forever ;)
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| a poem for good measure |
[21 Mar 2006|06:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Incubus- "Pardon Me" |
] |
Ta-da...a poem I finally got out of me. Its been quite some time since I've written anything with much effort. I think my skills of putting feelings into words are slacking. Though, its a hundred times easier on paper than it is in person. But anyway, this one, for me at least, has several different meanings. I started it with one person in mind, and then it went beyond that. So take what you will =)
Pas de Deux
A broken violin croaks out an off-key sonata
(our theme) in the key of C, adagio
the dance begins.
we twirl around each other on opalescent tiles of marble
Collision.
first we crack, then we splinter, and before we know it
Suddenly we've decorated the floor
Allegro di molto.
the violinist is sweating bullets
taut strings wear thin but the music goes on
‘till even my heart beats to this sickening serenade
if I let you piece me together would I be what you’ve wanted?
I surrender and say “here’s your chance!
Make me like you!”
Feel free to start rewriting, on your own time of course
I’ll simply wait (no pressure)
Picturing the little girl who always said the wrong thing
I don’t worry about stepping on your pieces,
you’ve haphazardly slung yourself together
and precede to tell me to do the same
(I’m told not to expect help, it’s my own business
and obviously not your fault)
So we twirl once more and I’ll ignore your haughty glances
if you’ll ignore mine
Proud never fit quite right on you, but I can settle for jealous
as our song approaches its dramatic climax
(crescendo)
change and change again, keep getting louder
(we never did like complication)
the music falls (it can’t fade) and
a screeching finale is wrenched out
I look in your eyes, still the same little girl
Still speaking the wrong words
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irised's journal